What I'm trying to say is ...
shareclose share

Remember Remember the 25th Of December

Joe Baron
15th December 2017

15 rating



I couldn't help but notice how over the last couple of decades, the date that people start 'getting into' Christmas has gotten progressively earlier and earlier. Long gone are the days of putting your tree up on the 23rd or 24th December just in time for the 12 days of Christmas. It's hard to imagine that anyone does that anymore. But that's actually a good thing. As far as traditions go, like most of them, this has always struck me as being a particularly rubbish one. Most people are far too busy starting to fall out with their in laws on Christmas Eve to want the arguments involved with putting a plastic tree up in their living room as well ...

Mother In Law Jokes Les DawsonClick the photos for fun links ...

I remember days gone by as a kid where mid/early December seemed the norm to put your tree up. And even with this, you risked having a thread bare tree by Christmas day. The needles used to fall off so easily in those days. So much so that breaking your hoover trying to vacuum up all the fallen needles off the carpet became an 80's Christmas tradition all in itself.

80's Hoover

As time passed over the years, and somehow trees managed to miraculously hang on to their needles longer(I dread to think what they have done to them to achieve this?), this date gradually crept forward to the last weekend of November. And I remember that used to feel really early at the time... Not anymore.

Today, it's almost as if the instant the final slow burning ember has burnt out on Guy Fawke's back, modern day society and marketing has us all singing Christmas Carols, dreaming of a White Christmas, eating mince pies, and fornicating with drunken strangers under the mistletoe. I swear, the instant the clock strikes midnight and the date shifts from the 5th of Novemeber to the 6th, the shelves in my local Tesco Metro are suddenly stocked to breaking point and bursting at the seams with Christmas stuff. The staff are all wearing Christmas jumpers and fluffy antlers, and Noddy Holder is yelling "It's Christmas!" at me through the store speakers. I have to turn my head back and check that I've just walked through the shops front door and not a Time Vortex that has jumped me forward in time 30 days. It's a somewhat discombobulating experience.

Noddy Holder - It's Christmas ! ! !

It's as if Guy Fawkes no longer symbolises the traitorous foiled gun powder plot but the beginning of Christmas instead. To be fair, he'd actually make a good symbol for the modern day Capitalist juggernaut that is Christmas, as these days, Christmas isn't cheap. If you don't get ready and prepare for Christmas early - you're toast ...

Christmas Pudding Remember Remember the 25th of December ...

Make no mistake, Christmas can be an absolute monster if you're unprepared, and or poor to boot.

I used to know a guy that took pride in making his young kids unique quaint little wooden toys to wrap neatly and place gently under the tree. He was one of life's nice guys. I don't think there was a bad or malicious bone in his body. He used to tell of the excitement in his young children, as they carefully peeled the presents open to find their special wooden toy inside on Christmas morning, before going off to church to sing songs of Christmas joy on the birthday of our Lord ... I often wondered how he was going to make a PlayStation 4 and 52 inch LCD wide screen tv out of wood as they grew older? Or even how he would fit them under the tree for that matter? He was in for a shock.

How to make wooden toys Christmas Guide

He was, of course, like many, just trying to mould Christmas to his own image in his head. But, unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. It's not the nature of the beast. And the beast must be fed. As with most people, reality has no doubt overtaken his internal images of how things should be, and beaten and crushed his little pie in the sky dreams of continuing this trend, into oblivion ... along with his credit card balance and mental health most probably. I wouldn’t know, I haven't seen him in a while. Come to think of it, I'm not sure anyone has? Not since he got made redundant in the recession a few Christmas's back ...

Trading Places

I've got two great sharing selfless kids, but even if you try your hardest as I do, to bring your children up to be process orientated rather than possession orientated, to value value and creativity rather than value possessing more than others, society has other ideas for your kids. And it's going to let them know that whether you want it to or not ... In the end, there's only two choices. Try to ride the tidal wave without falling off, or get destroyed by it.

Steve Cutts Illustraion

These days toys are either expensive colourful chunks of branded plastic, even more expensive branded high tech electronics, or both combined. A ball belongs in a museum. And if you're buying or making them wooden toys, you're doing it for yourself because you want to fit into a stupid fabricated class image in your head. Wake up. Kids don't want wood. They want colourful plastic and high tech electronics. But whichever way you turn, even if you're a wally that goes for wooden toys, the fact is, toys aren't cheap. And for every child that's gets a 52 inch 4K wide screen tv for his new Xbox One X from Santa, there's some poor sod wondering why all he got was a wooden toy in an old sock hanging above his storage heater before being forced to go to church. He'd been good all year. That other boy was a bragging tosser all year? So why did Santa reward him more? Little do they realise that that is to actually be the blueprint for their future adult life as they grow up in an advanced Capitalist society ...

Steve Cutts Illustraion

There's no two ways round it. Christmas is unashamedly commercial now, so much so, that if you've got kids, unless you start Christmas shopping early, to put it politely ... you're fucked. I actually started my Christmas shopping in Summer this year. I know, it sounds ridiculous. It is ridiculous. I can't quite believe it myself. But it is what it is. Previous years I wouldn't have even bothered thinking about Christmas before November. Now that's just too late. Partly due to my current circumstance, and partly because I had casually promised my kids in March that I would get them a Nintendo Switch for Christmas.

Nintendo Switch: Play anytime, anywhere, with anyone ...

Nintendo Switch: Play anytime, anywhere, with anyone ...

Of course when I said that, I didn't realise that Nintendo would actually get their ludicrously cheesy advertising on the nail for once. I didn't realise there was to be a huge global supply shortage as the Nintendo Switch sold like hot cakes. Nor did I realise just how expensive the console was with all the accessories required to play it multiplayer and on the go - and that's before you've even bought any games to play on it.

Nintendo became synonymous with Christmas to me right from when I got the Ninetendo Entertainment System Deluxe Set with R.O.B, the Zapper and Super Mario Bros back in the 80's. It was the best present I ever got in terms of pure excitement. From that moment on, Nintendo games became every bit as important to me at Christmas, as the turkey, the Christmas tree, and Father Christmas himself! And boy did they get some use ...

Nintendo Entertainment System Deluxe Set 1980's

But back to the reality of adulthood, the supply shortage did force me to pick up the console early in the year out of blind fear that the Nintendo Switch would be out of stock in the run up to Christmas. It also enabled me to spread the cost of the games and expensive accessories I would have to get with it over the rest of the year. I'm glad I did. I simply couldn't have afforded it last minute. And it may very well have been sold out. Basically, I had no choice but to prepare early if I wanted to avoid a potentially disastrous scenario. A scenario as disastrous as the disastrous scenario in the even more disastrous film, Jingle All The Way. That kind of disaster would have been, well, as I'm sure you can imagine, a disaster ...

Jingle All The Way Arnie

Be under no illusions, the capitalist juggernaut that is Christmas has no sympathy, let alone empathy, for children or their parents. They will all be crushed by the relenting waves of advertisements and resultant social obligation that drills into people's brains year after year with ruthless repetitive efficiency. Whether they want to be or not...

Christmas these days is a very powerful corporate media and retail event, designed to make you over consume to keep the economy ticking over into another new year. Try to ignore it with a dose of common sense logic at your peril. You will be outcast and looked down upon and branded a mean Scrooge by all that cheerfully, although somewhat scarily and robotically, enforce 'peace and good will' to all that they meet - using mild abuse if they have to ...

Scrooge Merry Christmas

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a Scrooge at all. Far from it. I actually love Christmas. It's people that get on my tits. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the 1970's film Invasion Of The Body Snatchers. Only instead of flatlining my emotions to blend in, I sometimes feel socially obliged to go through some over the top emotions and embrace a bit of false cheer, just so that no one notices that I'm feeling everything has gotten a little bit over contrived here. It's just easier and less hassle as it helps to avoid the subsequent abuse and name calling that always seems to follow there after otherwise.

Although I genuinely do love Christmas time, what I really hate is when people start competing to prove that they like Christmas more than the next man. The ridiculous over the top house lights. The stupid fucking jumpers... The amount of people that say 'Ba Humbug' to you just because you don't want to buy and wear a stupid fucking jumper. Kids look cute in them admittedly, but adults? I don't mind if you want to wear a stupid fucking jumper. That's fine. That's your choice. Just don't hassle me because I'm not wearing one. Not wearing one is the default option. It's an opt-in thing, not an opt-out thing. They've gotten as annoying as the religious brigade. There seems to be a stupid fucking jumper club out there, consisting of stupid fucking people who are 'in the know' in knowing that they love Christmas more than the jumper-less population, that "just don't get it". Oh we get it alright. It's just we love Christmas, not stupid fucking jumpers.

To me it's just another commercial trick to get us spending more money on pointless things, that is weedling it's way into fast becoming an expected social norm. I guess if they gave the profits from the jumpers to the little kids that make them, working their fingers to the bone for a penny an hour in a foreign sweat shop, then I wouldn't mind so much. All that, just so that gormless Westerners can make a few people rich by dressing up like a prize tit for no apparent reason ...

Christmas Jumper Ho HO oh fuck off will you ...

I've even witnessed people end up in arguments about who loves Christmas more. So common is it, that they've even made films about it. It's pathetic. Where's the peace and good will there eh? Some people can just go way too far in trying to create an image for themselves. We get it, you want people to 'see' that you love Christmas, because just loving Christmas isn't enough anymore, you've got to shove it in people's faces just in case they missed it or it isn't real. I love my dick but I don't go round shoving it in people's faces ...

Christmas Lights ...

Personally, I've always thought that peace and good will should extend all year round, even to those that wear stupid fucking jumpers, not just at Christmas. And in actions, not words. But it clearly doesn't. People are usually horrible to each other. It seems to me, that the biggest promoters of peace and good will to all, are just Double Speakers. And often they are the biggest Conservative viewed arse holes whose actions actively promote the opposite in their daily lives the rest of the year. Double speak in its finest. After all, wishing peace and good will makes you look good. Good for the image. Good for business. You don't have to actually do it ... Good God no. Where's the gain in that? Like I said, whatever people like to paint on the surface and social media, unfortunately, most people are usually judgemental and horrible to each other in everyday life where finance and wealth is involved. This is a shame. Actually no it's worse than that, it's a disgrace.

I'm sure there are others walking around like me too? That think the way I do? There must be? However, speak out, and you risk being exposed and ripped apart by the mob of autonomous scary robotic 'peace and good will' wishers out there ...

Click to say hello ...

I wish it wasn't so, but sadly, peace and good will on Earth to all men (and women) is observably nothing but a deliberately misleading fairy tale and has been for some time. It simply doesn't exist. Just a couple of days later, a large percentage of those wanten do-gooders, robotically wishing peace and good will to all at Christmas, will be ripping each other apart at the clothes rails in the Boxing Day sales just to save a few pennies. Women and children have been trampled in the stampede ... by women and children.

Not only do we live in a country and world where everyone is encouraged to strive to try and get one up and over on each other, we live on a planet where half the world is deliberately impoverished and or kept in a perpetual state of war in order to keep the other half 'rich'. And yet do you feel 'rich'? Me neither.

Remembrance Day even has to jostle it's date importance with the rampant commercialism of Christmas these days ... even though it's at the start of November. Never mind the date that all those young innocent men were sent against their will to their untimely doom, it's now also become the date to remember to tune in to see the new John Lewis Christmas advert as well...

John Lewis Man On The Moon

The adverts are so masterfully done, I'd wager that more people felt more genuine emotion toward a fictional man on the moon, in a department store advert, than for the real humans that were sent to their deaths against their will by people in power. I know they make me cry. What does this mean? I have no idea. But it does demonstrate the real power of well created mixed media over reality on our emotions and senses.

And of course always attached to the non existent concept of peace and good will, is the misguided concept of giving at Christmas ... regardless of whether the person you are 'giving' to, needs or even wants it or not.





It's not really giving is it? Give to the homeless, orphans, the starving, or the terminally ill. That's giving. Giving at Christmas is more feeling socially obliged to force upon and expect in return. Children are entitled to expect. That's what it's all about. Their geniune anticipation and excitement is what makes Christmas. But grown adults? Not only do they often only get people what they want to get them, as opposed to what the person actually wants, many times, the biggest givers are actually even bigger expectants. They can get highly offended if the gift they receive is not up to their expected standards, or up to the financial value they themselves spent on you, or if you didn't express the gratitude for your gift in the manner that they were expecting. These people are just the worst. Moreover, they're almost always adults. It's sickening. Children are almost always unreservedly absolutely fantastic at Christmas. They make Christmas. But some of the adults? What is going on? ... What do you get the person who's got everything? Nothing. That's what I say. They don't need anything. Next.

Please give to charity at Christmas

The whole present buying business is not really about 'giving' at all. There are plenty of people all year round you can give to if you really want to. Present giving at Christmas is just there to save our Capitalist economies from collapsing. Or at least to help them to collapse at a slower pace at any rate. It's basically a time for buying shit no one needs and giving it to people that don't really want it. After all, the only time that shops that aren't called Amazon seem to make any money is at Christmas. Although Amazon is working hard and fast to close down that anomaly too ...

As you've probably already guessed from my slightly crabby demeanour, I'm entering middle age now. I've seen plenty of Christmases, realising that there are things that are always destined to stay the same, and realising that there are things that are always destined to change as your circumstance and society itself change over time. But far from feeling that I've gone round the block too many times, I'm fully aware that I'm only at the half way point with plenty more laps to go. Plenty more changes ahead that I look forward to making the best of. My acerbic style of writing for this article is somewhat misleading.

Despite it's flaws, I do still genuinely love Christmas and the positive seasonal feelings it is able to generate in us. It's wonderful. But admittedly, mainly because I have kids. I want my kids to have what they want at Christmas, but I don’t want for much myself. Not because I've got everything, far from it, but because there isn't much I want or need. The greatest gift I could have is knowing that my kids get what they want and enjoy Christmas. I'm quite content not to get any presents myself. Most gifts I receive will just end up in the charity shop. I've just no need or use for them and I prefer owning less so I can have organsied space in my home rather than owning more so I can drown in disorganised clutter.

Myself, I've gotten to that point where the only gifts of any use to me are pairs of black socks and underpants. If your feet are anything like mine, then your toes will always find a way to turn the end of a new sock into a convertible without your permission. And as for underpants, it's not uncommon for me to walk round looking like that alien out of The Moss Eisley Cantina in Star Wars. It seems it doesn't have to be Christmas to get your giblets out ...

Underpants are always welcomed at Christmas

And then there's religion at Christmas. Brought up a Catholic as a child, and having been forced to go to Church growing up (even on Christmas day for Christ's sake! What was that all about?),I'm about as anti-religion as you can get. I've always remained a complete Atheist despite my mums best efforts. To make a long story less long, to me, you can sum up all religions in one tidy maths sum ... 2 + 2 = 5. If you're not okay with the outcome of this sum, then you shouldn't be religious. If you are, then as you were, just don't come preaching to me about how correct you think you are. I had enough of that a long time ago. Moreover, to me, what Catholics preach as the 'true' meaning of Christmas is just cringe worthy. The 'true' meaning of Christmas, that they say has already been lost to the modern commercial world. They might have had a point, were it not for the fact that by 'true meaning', ironically they were referring to the baby Jesus ...

Remember him? The super hero in sandals. Born from before, there's only one of him. Like Annakin in Star Wars, bizarrely his mum was a virgin ... Or a liar? I'll let you decide. He was to God what Annakin was to the Force. Only he didn't come back as Darth Vader. He didn’t come back at all. Which was disappointing because he said he would. You just can't trust anyone these days ...

Penny for an ex Leper - Life Of Brian

Apparently, Christmas is 'supposed' to be the celebration of the birthday of this bearded sandaled miracle man, that grew up healing people at will and then died to save us from our sins, so that we can get fat eating chocolate eggs in Spring and die of early onset diabetes. And, as legend would have it, who also rose from the dead and ascended into heaven. Because that's a believable thing that happens ... Conveniently taking all physical evidence of his existence with him so all that was left was stories ... Funny that. No physical evidence other than stories. And not even so much as a pig farm in sight.

Brick Top - Snatch - Greedy as a pig

Well, all I have to say to those people, is that they need to be more concerned about the true meaning of the word 'true' itself, before they start trying to attach it to the meaning of Christmas ...

It should be apparent to any grown adult that God is no more real than Father Christmas. Apologies to any children reading this that still believe in Father Christmas. It still amazes me how it's deemed socially acceptable to laugh at a child that makes it to their teenage years and still believes in Father Christmas, yet when it comes to laughing at a grown adult that still believes in God ... God help us all! It's the adult that should know better, not the kid.

God in Santa for adults

But then again, saying that, if you've got as far as realising that Father Christmas isn’t real, and that God is just Father Christmas for adults, if you've reached the page where you finally realise that both are just social illusions to get people on mass to behave a certain way ... and you still run around 'wishing' peace and good will to all, without actually 'doing' peace and good will to anyone, whilst blowing all your credit cards just because 'It's Christmas!!' ... If that's you, then maybe the ultimate laugh is on you? What are you doing? You've got a tree in your living room for goodness sake? Perhaps there is a bit of irrational madness in all of us, not just the religious? I certainly hope so. Life would be bloody boring otherwise.

The only sense that can be made of it all, is that at least if everyone's laughing at each other, at least it means we're all still laughing. And so long as we're all laughing, why does it matter who's right and who is wrong? Where's the harm? Perhaps that's the purpose of why we seem to inherently perpetually disagree with our fellow man? It's surely better to laugh at each other than to kill each other ... isn’t it? After all, nobody ever said humanity was supposed to make sense ...

You've got a plastic tree in your living room and you thin I'm carzy?

I guess what I'm trying to say is, when it comes to Christmas, it's not hard to see that commercialism is rampantly obscene and completely out of control. Peace and good will is just a delusional fantasy. Religion, as it is with all things, is just completely irrelevant. And if you want to give, there are plenty literally dying to receive a lifeline 365 days of the year. Just make sure you give them what they need and not what you want to give them. Not that they are being ungrateful, but a starving African doesn't have much need for the latest Christmas jumper or an HMV voucher just because you don't like giving cash ...

Please give to charity at Christmas

Even the traditions we enact are very odd when you sit back and think about them. The tree in your living room, setting fire to your dessert, brussel sprouts, the stupid fucking jumpers, magic reindeer and a drunk fat man coming down your bricked in chimney. My daughter was genuinely scared the first time she realised an old, red faced, whiskey breathed, bearded fat bastard would break into the house in the middle of the night, enter her room as she slept, and then empty his sack at the bottom of her bed before disappearing off into the night. And I don't blame her. This is something that should terrify any rational mind.

And yet we all still love it. We still love Christmas. We love it because it doesn't make any sense at all and because it lights up the darkest days of the dullest season, both literally and metaphorically. The lights are lovely and the music lively, a fitting celebration for the daylight returning back to our days, but Christmas is something more than just a social marking of the annual astronomical event of the Winter Soltace. Christmas is the event that makes us realise that a child's happiness is the real light to illuminate the darkest days of any Winter. Forget the commercial and Christian bollocks, children are the real true meaning of Christmas. Their happiness is brighter than any other light in life, with nothing artificial about it what so ever. It's genuine. It's real. It's pure, and it means something. And that is very rare, and very precious in this world. And that's why John Lewis milk this to death in their Christmas adverts ...





In the period of time in between no longer being a kid and having kids myself, I had this strong sense that I was just mindlessly going through the motions that society prescribed to me at Christmas. And that's because I was. Given that you can over spend, over eat, and get drunk any day of the year these days, and most of us do even when we are actively trying not to(!), for many years I went through the motions, but if I'm honest with myself, the meaning of Christmas had become completely lost to me. It had become an annual series of bizarre events that I just dutifully carried out. Of course I still enjoyed the festive spirit of the build up, but like a relationship that had been allowed to drift for too long, the day itself was missing something. The spark had gone. I wanted it to feel like it used to feel again, but I wasn't sure if that was even possible.

But since having kids, I realised that being able to give and share in a child's happiness at Christmas is the greatest gift any adult can hope to receive. It's the best feeling inside that I'm fortunate enough to be able to make the most of. The window of time is limited for us all, as our kids will grow up themselves one day and come to discover that all is not what it once was. But in many ways, that's what makes it all the more special. Nothing lasts forever. Appreciate what you have while it's still there. And be ready to pass on and help out when it's your children's turn to pick up the baton. And if you don't have kids, or even if you do, there's always a child in need somewhere without parents or food that will be amazed that someone actually cares.





You don't realise it when you're a kid, but Christmas was a gift that was afforded to you as a child by your parents. I doubt it was ever easy to afford for my parents, but as a kid you just take it for granted that Christmas is coming and that it will be fantastic. And it always was. So I now feel socially and morally obliged to afford, and actually want to pass on, to my own kids the same kindness that my parents afforded my brother, sister, and I. And I'm not religious. And I hate social obligations and traditions. I hate the way they attempt to manipulate an individuals free will and freedom of thought. But I make the exception for Christmas, so that eventually my children too may then grow to understand, pass on and get to enjoy for themselves, the true meaning of Christmas when the time is right for them. Children's happiness. When you understand that ... suddenly all the madness makes perfect sense. Even the stupid fucking jumpers and the stupid morons inside them. After all they were kids too once, even if they can't see how easily their behaviour has been manipulated for commercial gain now they've reached adulthood. They're not so bad after all ... so long as they don't start wearing them at the start of November! [Slams hand down on desk, shaking head.]

For those of us that have been fortunate enough to have had good childhood Christmases, Christmas is a wonderful colourful annual reminder that there is still a happy child buried deep within us somewhere. And whether for a few weeks of the year, or even if just for a day, that child wants to come out and play. And if you allow it to, and understand your evolving role within it as time changes things, you get to share and be a part of the most wonderful time of the year. And that is something truly magical.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Die Hard - Best Christmas Movie Ever!